Aaron Damiani
12 min read ⭑
“One of the paradoxes of tenderness is how powerful it is. People never forget how you treat them, especially in the little things. Even a small word of encouragement carries tremendous power—sometimes years after you speak it. What I assumed was a liability was actually a strength.”
QUESTION #1: ACQUAINT
There’s much more to food than palate and preference. How does a go-to meal at your favorite hometown restaurant reveal the true you behind the web bio?
My absolute favorite place to eat in my hometown of Chicago is Pokiology. I have more enthusiasm about this establishment than I can communicate in words. Their poke bowls are flavorful and healthy, not to mention exotic with options like daikon and kimchi. I am the only person in my family who will eat raw fish, so instead of taking my wife and kids there, I meet up with staff and parishioners from our church who are game for the culinary adventure.
I suppose my love for flavorful food and different cultures started early. My mother was born to ex-pats in Argentina and was always expanding our palate beyond the normal Midwestern fare. My dad was a pastor and taught me to appreciate the wonder and complexity of human beings. One Sunday I was chatting with the owner of Pokiology and found out that he’s a fellow PK (pastor’s kid) from a different culture. Like me, he found his way to Chicago, where he’s living out his calling. Maybe this is why I find his restaurant to be a great place for pastoral appointments.
Blocks Fletcher; Unsplash
QUESTION #2: REVEAL
We’ve all got quirky proclivities and out-of-the-way interests. So what are yours? What so-called “nonspiritual” activities do you love and help you find spiritual renewal?
I love cycling. This started as a budget-friendly way to commute and then evolved into a delightful sabbath experience. If the weather permits, and sometimes when it doesn’t, I take time each Friday to explore Chicago’s trails. Between the forest preserves, Lake Michigan, and city parks, there’s more nature here than people expect.
Getting out on my bike helps me savor it all. On the one hand, it’s a change of scenery and even an escape. On the other hand, it connects me even more deeply with the place where I live. The long miles give me space to think and pray. I’m also not mechanically inclined, but there’s tangible pleasure in learning basic bike maintenance and repair. The thrill of getting a patch to work on a busted tube makes getting a flat (almost) worth it.
I also enjoy Olympic weight lifting and functional fitness. When we moved here 10 years ago to plant a church, I wanted to stay healthy in the process, so I joined a CrossFit gym. It was very difficult at first, but I grew to appreciate the focus on mobility and nutrition as well as the delicate balance between skill and strength.
My wife marked out a space in our basement for me to begin training at home, and this has become a sanctuary for me, especially in the deep of winter when I can’t bike anywhere! I actually get some of my best sermon ideas or leadership insights when I’m working out. So I have a whiteboard down there that helps me capture it all. During the COVID-19 pandemic, this was especially crucial in keeping me grounded.
QUESTION #3: CONFESS
Every superhero has a weakness. Every human, too. We’re just good at faking it. But who are we kidding? We’re broken and in this thing together. So what’s your kryptonite and how do you hide it?
When I was in first grade I received an award for “tenderheartedness” and was instantly disappointed. First of all, that’s not even a word. Second, even at that young age, a “tender heart” was not a trait I aspired to have as an American male. I would have gladly taken an award for “courage” or “brilliance” or even “toughness.” But my teachers were right—I cared deeply for people even then. And I’ve always had strong emotions and a curious mind. It took me some time to accept these traits as gifts from the Father—gifts that he expected me to receive, harness, and exercise for the sake of others.
One of the paradoxes of tenderness is how powerful it is. This was a surprise to me. People never forget how you treat them, especially in the little things like remembering their names, greeting them with warmth, and showing a genuine interest in their lives. Even a small word of encouragement carries tremendous power—sometimes years after you speak it. What I assumed was a liability was actually a strength.
Managing my emotions is straight-up work, and I can’t outsource it to anyone else. Someone likened emotional management to a road trip with kids (which I did a lot of this summer on my sabbatical). On the one hand, you can’t let them drive the car. On the other hand, they are often trying to tell you something important, and you need to attend to them with love and logic.
I’ve come to see how much courage and toughness and creativity come from this purifying, honest work of facing my inner world and navigating its highs and lows with the Lord. He always gives me some comfort, encouragement, or insight that I can share with others in a similar spot. This is the “wounded healer” model that Henri Nouwen wrote about in his book The Wounded Healer.
QUESTION #4: FIRE UP
Tell us about your toil. How are you investing your professional time right now? What’s your obsession? And why should it be ours?
My toil comes from my call to be a shepherd of a local church. In the agricultural world, shepherds begin their work by paying attention to the condition of their flock, the weather, and the cluster of needs, threats, and opportunities for the sheep in their care. The better they pay attention, the more effectively they can lead and feed the flock. (By the way, I love biblical scholar Tim Laniak’s book While Shepherds Watch Their Flock: 40 Daily Reflections on Biblical Leadership, which came out of his immersion in the lives of Middle Eastern shepherds.)
My toil as a shepherd begins by listening to God through the Scriptures, the Holy Spirit, and the community of faith, both living and historic. What is the Spirit saying to his church? Where is the Chief Shepherd leading his flock? I’m a sheep, too. I need this for my own soul. But I’m also listening on behalf of people who are trusting me to lead them through deep valleys and into the green pastures and quiet waters of God’s presence. I need to listen to them as well, to know the pressures they are facing, the battles they are fighting, and their hopes and joys.
Out of the toil of listening comes the toil of leading and feeding, whether in the form of a 25-minute sermon for the whole congregation, a 45-minute conversation about spiritual direction with one person, a 90-minute ministry training for a cluster of leaders, or (every once in a blue moon) a book for the wider community.
I’ll give you an example. Many people I pastor have a sense of rootlessness. Modern life offers so many opportunities to move around, advance your career, and redefine your identity that many are longing for stability and meaning. Others are deeply disillusioned with the Christian witness in the U.S. and are on the verge of deconstructing their faith as a result.
One of the reasons I was drawn to Anglicanism was the beauty, structure, and historical rooting it offered me when I was in a similar place.
Much of my ministry is introducing low-church evangelicals to the church calendar, the creeds, the sacraments of Eucharist and baptism, old prayers, and inspiring examples from church history. I truly believe this can deeply root our evangelical faith and give us resources to follow Jesus (and stick by his bride, the Church, whom he reproves but never rejects) in the moment we find ourselves in.
Along these lines, I just released a book called Earth Filled with Heaven: Finding Life in Liturgy, Sacraments and Other Ancient Practices of the Church (Moody). This book, as well as all of my creative toil, comes from my shepherd’s heart.
QUESTION #5: BOOST
Cashiers, CEOs, contractors, or customer service reps, we all need grace flowing into us and back out into the world. How does the Holy Spirit invigorate your work? And how do you know it’s God when it happens?
When my soul is desiccated, I need the people of God to bring the rain. I have a team of people who pray for me, my family, and my ministry. I’ll email them to pray for almost anything: a financial need, a conflict, even a real estate breakthrough! When we were looking to purchase a home in the city after years of renting, they prayed until we signed the papers and held the keys.
The Holy Spirit also speaks into my life through people using Scriptures, words of encouragement or warning, and pictures that communicate God’s grace for me. After a recent prayer retreat, I was driving back to the Atlanta airport with six other friends who were in the spiritual formation cohort. I asked them to pray for an upcoming challenge. They took an iPhone, pressed “record” and passed the phone around, taking turns praying Scripture over my situation. It was so powerful. But I also had to focus on driving the car safely down the freeway! Occasionally, I take out the recording to remember their prayers.
Discerning what words are from God and what is merely auto-suggest—or worse—is a key part of our discipleship process. Of course, humans are fallible and sinful, and we often get it wrong.
My spiritual director Bill Gaultiere wrote a helpful article on hearing God’s voice. He’s taught me that a life immersed in the Scriptures and the story of Jesus is the best setting for hearing God’s voice. Yet we also need to pay attention to common sense, the circumstances we find ourselves in, and the distinct quality of the Holy Spirit’s voice, which is often marked by gentle, deep authority and unconditional love.
QUESTION #6: inspire
Scripture and tradition beckon us into the rich and varied actions that open our hearts to the presence of God. So spill it, which spiritual practice is workin’ best for you right now?
I am just coming off my first sabbatical, which was like 90 sabbath days in a row. This was an incredible gift from the Lord and the church I serve. During this time I learned more about how to disengage from stress, delight in life, play, enjoy my family, be in nature, and rest at a deeper level. We visited Yosemite National Park as a family for the first time, and I couldn’t stop staring up at the beautiful mountains, cliffs, and waterfalls. We also learned pickleball as a family and have developed quite the rivalry.
My intention for the sabbatical, which I kept imperfectly, was to do all these things with Jesus and enjoy him. In a recent sermon I heard, the preacher shared how God commands us to work and he also commands us to rest. Both are ways to pray, both are ways to worship, and both are necessary for us to flourish.
My sabbatical got delayed in 2020, and that was God prompting me to work. He drew more work and leadership out of me than I thought possible. In 2022, he made space for me to keep the commandment to rest. Along the way, taking a weekly Sabbath helped me enjoy the sabbatical more fully.
The other simple action that has helped me be more consistent in Scripture is to combine it with my morning coffee. I’m not always motivated to open the Bible, but coffee is a different story. So when I hitch my Bible practice with my coffee practice, I find I’m in the Word more often.
QUESTION #7: FOCUS
Our email subscribers get free ebooks featuring our favorite resources—lots of things that have truly impacted our faith lives. But you know about some really great stuff, too. What are three resources that have impacted you?
Apart from Scripture itself, The Book of Common Prayer has shaped my prayer and worship life more than any other resource. The prayers are beautiful and ancient, the rhythms keep me yoked to the presence of Jesus, and the common structure and daily readings connect me with Christians around the world. I recommend the 2019 version along with the free Daily Office app, which lays it all out intuitively, complete with the daily Scripture readings.
Last year, my wife snagged a copy of the O.G. devotional book The Imitation of Christ by Thomas á Kempis at a neighborhood Little Free Library. Since she brought it home, it’s been a great encouragement to me. The entries are short, simple, and profound, and almost every time I read one, I come away equally encouraged and chastened. I don’t agree with everything á Kempis writes, but I appreciate how he connects the teachings of Jesus with the ever-striving, often vexed human soul.
My third resource is kind of offbeat: the Freedom App. It’s billed as a productivity tool but has truly helped my spiritual life.
Essentially, you can use this app to disable certain apps, websites, and services for specified blocks of time when you want to focus on what truly matters. I usually turn this on for 24 hours to keep me from checking email, Slack, and social media on my Sabbath.
Our wholehearted personal attention is one of the most valuable resources we have to offer. The attention economy is designed to harvest that resource. This is one way I guard myself against the siren song of distraction.
We all have things we cling to to survive (or thrive) in tough times. Name one resource you’ve found indispensable in this current season—and tell us what it’s done for you.
Two musicians in particular have lifted me up in recent months and years: Fred Hammond and Peter Cottontale. “Uncle Fred” Hammond is a Gospel music legend, and his music is so powerful, joyful, even funny at times. His music has pulled me through countless workouts, sermon-writing sessions, and difficult days.
I first heard Peter Cottontale doing a live session on 90.9 WDCB, a Chicago blues and jazz radio station.
He’s part of a younger generation of Gospel artists, and he spans genres, drawing on his upbringing in the Black church and moving into rap and jazz. He collaborates with some great partners like Chance the Rapper, Hillsong, and even the Chicago Children’s Choir. One reason I love Fred and Peter’s music is they both tap into the power of their grief and loss in such a way that it amplifies the joy and vision of their music.
QUESTION #8: dream
God is continually stirring new things in each of us. So give us the scoop! What’s beginning to stir in you but not yet fully awakened? What can we expect from you in the future?
This summer I’ve been exploring the relationship between forgiveness and justice. Everywhere I look, I see people jettisoning forgiveness to get to justice. A growing sentiment in our culture is that resentment and even violence are necessary to make society whole and fair. But as I studied countries like apartheid South Africa and revolutionary France this summer, I found the opposite was true—resentment tends to make injustice worse.
Forgiveness and justice are like two parallel arteries that circulate truth and trust throughout the body politic. Both justice and forgiveness require that we stop dehumanizing the other side, stop placing people in “all good” and “all bad” categories, and resist the tyranny of the angry mob in all circumstances. Instead, we can tell the truth, acknowledge the pain in ourselves and others, and choose to love on the other side of loss.
If we are willing to let go of retributive justice, we can choose restorative justice and leave the rest to God. Archbishop Desmond Tutu said it best: “There is no future without forgiveness.” As the chairman of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, he saw this firsthand. Individuals and societies can move forward with hope when they choose the hard and high road of forgiveness. I want this for myself. I want this for the church. Although it sounds implausible, I want this for our country, too, which has become so full of division and resentment. Imagine the healing that could take place if we could forgive!
I’m excited to begin preaching on this topic. But I’m praying for the strength to live this paradox first.
Earlier, Aaron shared the tension he felt about being described as “tenderhearted.” But what he eventually discovered was that being tenderhearted isn’t weak—it can be a position of strength.
This doesn’t make sense to the world. But wasn’t that the very position Jesus took when he came to Earth as a man? Isaiah prophesied about the Messiah’s lowly, gentle heart:
“He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice, or make it heard in the street; a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench; he will faithfully bring forth justice” (Isaiah 42:2-3, ESV).
Jesus didn’t need to hide his tenderness to bring forth justice. He was strong. He was firm. But he was kind and gentle, too. What if we allowed ourselves to do the same?
Aaron Damiani (M.A., Biblical Exegesis) is the lead pastor of Immanuel Anglican Church in Chicago, Illinois, which he planted in 2013. He enjoys helping modern Christians discover the treasures of the ancient church. He is the author of The Good of Giving Up: Discovering the Freedom of Lent (Moody, 2017) and has just released a new book called Earth Filled with Heaven: Finding Life in Liturgy, Sacraments and other Ancient Practices of the Church (Moody). He and his wife, Laura, live with their four amazing kids in Chicago.