Arlene Pellicane

Arlene Pellicane — author of several books, national speaker and host of the “Happy Home” podcast — wants something for today’s Christian families: More happiness in their homes. More closeness with God, family and friends. More purpose and less screen time. Those principles drove her to create the Happy Home University, where she equips Christians with truth to heal their marriages, raise their children to love Jesus and take small steps to get closer to God. Join us for an encouraging conversation as Arlene shares how she’s managed to raise her kids without smartphones or social media, her renewed love of fasting and her top-rated Christian resources for families.

QUESTION #1: ACQUAINT

There’s much more to food than palate and preference. How does a go-to meal at your favorite hometown restaurant reveal the true you behind the web bio?

For Chinese food, we go to this very simple restaurant called Sam Woo BBQ, which is housed inside 99 Ranch, a large Chinese grocery store. Like many Chinese restaurants, you wouldn’t want your uptown friends to have to use the restroom, but the cod in black bean sauce, garlicky green beans and orange-flavored beef are worth coming for. You won’t find Sam Woo in any “Top 10 Asian Eats in San Diego,” but it’s our family go-to.

We have a merry war between Chinese food (my heritage) and Italian food (my hubby’s), with Italian usually winning out. My husband, James, grew up on Long Island, so he loves getting a slice of cheese pizza at Bronx Pizza or Pizzeria Luigi’s. He thinks I’m a disgrace to his people because I love BBQ chicken pizza. He wonders, How is that even pizza?

But I cannot move on without talking about breakfast. My girls and I especially love breakfast. We would often eat breakfast for dinner if the men in our family could handle it (they can’t). It’s a carb-overload experience, so we only do it a few times a year, but we love going to Original Pancake House. Our family of five usually goes with my parents, who live five minutes away. We order the apple pancake (solid, enormous, cinnamon-glazed deliciousness), the German pancake (it’s fluffy and huge, like two feet in diameter), and the spinach and cheese omelet. We split everything, and the combination of tastes is absolutely delicious.

Another spectacular place for breakfast is Hannah’s Gourmet, but alas, they are only open for Sunday brunch (catering mostly).

ultimate frisbee discs — Jiang Yu; Unsplash

QUESTION #2: REVEAL

We’ve all got quirky proclivities and out-of-the-way interests. So what are yours? What so-called “nonspiritual” activity (or activities) do you love engaging in, which also help you find essential spiritual renewal?

During COVID-19, my husband was going stir-crazy in the house, and one day, he decided to start an ultimate frisbee group every Sunday afternoon in the park near our home. Ultimate frisbee is kind of like soccer with a frisbee. You’re trying to score a goal, there’s a lot of running, and you toss the frisbee to your teammate instead of kicking a ball to them. My husband played recreationally in college, and we quickly had a really nice, family-friendly, all-levels-of-play game. I was the only mom playing for a long time — I wasn’t good, but everyone was friendly (think participation trophy).

We are now entering our fourth year of playing ultimate frisbee every Sunday in the park with our two high school girls and our college son when he’s in town. Most of the players have come and gone through the years, but of course, my family of five remains constant. That’s what I really love about the game. It’s a way to exercise while bonding with my husband and kids. Something magical happens when we do things or sports with our kids, not just observing what they’re doing (of course, that’s important, too).

Most Sundays, I don’t feel like putting on my tennis shoes, stretching and heading for frisbee. But it’s actually been a wonderful, refreshing activity for my body and soul. Afterward, I always feel great. I have more energy in my life because of this weekly sprint (the only thing that gets me running), and this ritual gives me more juice to do what God puts in front of me.

QUESTION #3: CONFESS

Every superhero has a weakness. Every human, too. We’re just good at faking it. But who are we kidding? We’re broken and in this thing together. So what’s your kryptonite, and how do you hide it?

Put anything but shoes on my feet, and I’m a mess. Roller skates, ice skates, skis, scooters, bicycles — it’s embarrassing and unfortunate as my husband, James, and kids love putting these things on their feet! In elementary school, I ran my bike straight into a car (it was parked!). I didn’t know how to turn fast enough. For Christmas one year, my husband bought me a pair of rollerblades. Decked out with wrist pads, knee pads, and a helmet, I wobbled my way onto the street in front of my house. I went a few strides, and then down I went. I’m 5 feet 10 inches tall, so you know what they say about the bigger they are, the harder they fall? I started to cry, to my children’s surprise. Role reversal at its finest.

James, an avid skier, paid for the kids and me to get lessons. It was going fairly well for me until I went on an intermediate run I was not prepared for. It took me three hours to fall my way down the mountain, and I was the most terrified I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve tried skiing again many times, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s better if I drive the van, drop off the skiers and have a peppermint candy cane latte. My brother-in-law (who skis with us) said, “If you’re not having fun while you’re skiing, you’re doing it wrong.” I wish I could do it right ... but I do it wrong.

QUESTION #4: FIRE UP

Tell us about your toil. How are you investing your professional time right now? What’s your current obsession? And why should it be ours?

Being married (25 years and counting) and having three children (after infertility and a miscarriage at 26 weeks) have been the delight of my life. I’m sad when the culture and even Christians paint marriage and having children as some kind of burden, downer and self-sabotaging endeavor to avoid. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Being responsible to and for someone is how we grow up and experience meaning and love. That’s why I have the Happy Home University, where I host the weekly “Happy Home” podcast, interviewing marriage and family experts like David Thomas, George Barna and Dr. Kathy Koch. I’ve written nine books, including “31 Days to a Happy Husband,” “Parents Rising” and “Screen Kids” (co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman). I’m currently writing book number 10 on making marriage easier. When we’re intentional about growing our marriages and parenting skills, and we submit to the work of God in our homes, the home will become a place of joy and refuge, not stress or indifference.

I’m passionate about showing people that kids can exist without social media, video games and smartphones. Mental health in kids and teens has taken a terrifying nosedive as we’ve adopted all these technologies as normal. Kids are no longer playing; they’re scrolling. They’re not connected to parents; they’re connected to WiFi. This is a huge problem.

My children — Ethan, Noelle and Lucy — have been raised without video games, social media or smartphones (getting phones the summer before going to college). No, we don’t homeschool in a small town. Our kids have attended large public schools in San Diego (a high school of 2,500). You would think they would hate us for making them different from others. Instead, they thank us because they’re not addicted to devices and don’t feel like life is meaningless. They have full lives with real friends and interests like horses, tennis, sculpting, painting, 3D design, drawing, piano and serving in church. I filmed a documentary called “Screen Kids: In Their Own Words” so you could see for yourself what my kids have to say about growing up differently. You can watch it for free here.

QUESTION #5: BOOST

Cashiers, CEOs, contractors, or customer service reps, we all need grace flowing into us and back out into the world. How does the Holy Spirit invigorate your work? And how do you know it’s God when it happens?

My youngest daughter, Lucy, is a freshman in high school. I had just heard a podcast about asking your kids about what God is doing in their lives, so I casually asked her in the car, “What has God been saying to you lately?” She said she wasn’t sure. Later that day, she said the question bothered her because she realized that she wasn’t sure how to hear the voice of God.

It was a Wednesday night, and we headed for church. On the way home, with tears in her eyes, she said, “Mom, you’ll never guess what they talked about in youth group today. They talked about how you can hear the voice of God, and I knew God was speaking to me.”

This kind of thing happens regularly, and I’m so grateful the Holy Spirit is so active in speaking and responding to us. So many days, I’ve gotten in my car with a specific concern, turned on a podcast and the answer from God’s Word will be right there (thank you, Tim Keller and Dr. David Jeremiah, two of my favorite Bible teachers).

Going back to Lucy, a few months later, one of the leaders at the high school Christian group asked if anyone wanted to share with the group in the future. Lucy said yes and ended up sharing with 60 kids how you can hear God’s voice: through the miraculous (like the burning bush), through other people, through the Bible and through prayer.

QUESTION #6: inspire

Scripture and tradition beckon us into the rich and varied habits that open our hearts to the presence of God. So let us in. Which spiritual practice is working best for you right now?

Having something spiritual on the calendar really helps me. I would love to think of myself as a person who prays, but I honestly struggle with praying regularly. Being a part of a Moms in Prayer group has been one of the most powerful spiritual practices I’ve had as a mom.

Every Monday, when school is in session, I pray with two or three others for one hour for our kids and their schools. I started when my son Ethan was in first grade. I remember the first meeting when we prayed for Ethan to make a Christian friend in school. That same day, Ethan came home and said, “Mom, I heard a boy singing a song from church on the playground, and he’s a Christian. And he’s in my class!” I couldn’t believe it. Ethan is a junior in college now, and we’re still praying, and God is still answering. Ethan’s roommate at Cal Poly is a Christian, and they’re active in CRU together).

Another spiritual practice I’ve recently picked up again is fasting. When I was in high school and crazy in love with Jesus, I would fast food for a week and pray for God to work in my school or during church summer camp. I remember the closeness I felt with God then. I’ve just completed a three-day fast from food, strangely awakened by watching “Limitless” with Chris Hemsworth, a series about longevity. One episode was about the physical benefits of fasting, with Thor himself skipping food for four days. I thought, If he can do it, so can I. Of course, the Creator knows how we work best. It turns out fasting is good for you spiritually, physically and mentally. I realized how much time I spent preparing food, eating food and thinking about food. Switching that off for a few days helped me to lean on God and reset. I’ll be doing it again.

QUESTION #7: FOCUS

Looking backward, considering the full sweep of your unique faith journey and all you encountered along the way, what top three resources stand out to you? What changed the game and changed your heart? What radically altered your life? What changed your reality?

The first resource that comes to mind is my mentor, author and speaker Pam Farrel. Pam is an encourager from the word “go.” It’s not often you find a mentor in your field of interest who’s willing and available to pour into you. When I was an aspiring author, Pam took me (and several other women) under her wing. She and her husband, Bill, have written more than 60 books to strengthen relationships. Their example has shown me what faithful service looks like, and I’m forever grateful. Pick up their bestseller “Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti,” and you will finally get your spouse (or things will at least become a lot clearer!).

The second would be listening to “Turning Point” with Dr. David Jeremiah on the radio through the years. Before becoming a mom and author, I worked at Turning Point with their radio and television ministries. And yet, in the car, I would still tune into Turning Point (I never got tired of listening to Dr. Jeremiah’s messages). If you want to get grounded in God’s Word and be encouraged, Turning Point and Dr. Jeremiah offer so many great resources.

The third would be “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. The love languages help me understand the way my husband is wired and know what I need to.

When I had the opportunity to co-author a book with Dr. Gary Chapman about kids and technology in 2014 (“Growing Up Social,” which has now been revised into “Screen Kids”), it made the love languages all the more special to know the person who created them. Dr. Chapman is the real deal — humble, wise, always approachable, kind and of course, loving! He’s got those love languages down! He’s a man I admire and someone I continually learn from.

We all have things we cling to to survive (or even thrive) in tough times — times like these! Name one resource you’re savoring and/or finding indispensable in this current season, and tell us what it’s doing for you.

I like the Dwell Bible app. When I have trouble sleeping (which is usually because I have all these thoughts swirling around in my head about my next projects), I put on the “Sleep to Scripture: Guided passages for bedtime,” and that usually does the trick!

QUESTION #8: dream

God is continually stirring new things in each of us. So give us the scoop! What’s beginning to stir in you but not yet fully awakened? What can we expect from you in the future?

When I was in college at Biola University, I planned the student missions conference circa 1991. It’s been a long time since I dusted off my conference clipboard, but my next big dream is an annual Parents Rising Conference — a place to gather and unite with other like-minded parents, learn from incredible speakers, worship and get time alone with God at the altar, and leave with a refreshed mission for your family.

I actually had the very first Parents Rising Conference at my home church on March 2, 2024, with my dream team for the launch: Dr. Gary Chapman, Bill and Pam Farrel, and Sally Burke (president of Moms in Prayer). These are dear friends, and it was incredible to launch with them. I tried my very best to promote, promote, promote beforehand (this is my least favorite part of the work). I must admit I was disappointed that we had a modest-sized audience; it was smaller than I anticipated. But what God did in our group was unmistakable, special and extremely needed. The parents were so grateful, and it really put the wind back in my sails to keep planning future conferences.

If we don’t do anything as parents, our kids will be dragged down by social media and hopelessness. We must do life differently to have healthy kids (spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally). I hope and pray the Parents Rising Conference will equip parents to raise strong kids who love Jesus and love people more than they love video games, iPhones and YouTube.

It's hard to find a kid or teenager nowadays who doesn’t own a smartphone and isn’t active on social media. It’s ingrained in our culture. So I admire how Arlene and her family are willing to take a different path — even if no one else around them is doing the same.

It reminds me of what Paul tells us in Romans 12:2a: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind” (ESV).

Maybe God isn’t asking you to kick smartphones and social media out of your family. But why not take some time this week to be quiet and ask, “God, how do you want me to live, even if it’s different from the culture around me? How do you want to renew my mind in this season?” His answer may surprise you.