Emerson Eggerichs
16 min read ⭑
“I remind myself that if I am seeking to actively trust Christ, walk in moral purity, give thanks in everything, submit and do what is right when I could get away with doing what is wrong, then I know I’m pleasing him. And in pleasing him, there’s pleasure.”
Since Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ first book, Love & Respect, came out over twenty years ago, millions of relationships around the globe have been impacted by his message. As a New York Times bestselling and multi-award-winning author, Dr. Eggerichs has gone on to write many more books on marriage, parenting and relational communication. Pulling from three decades of counseling experience, scientific research and biblical study, he and his wife, Sarah, created Love and Respect Ministries and its namesake conference. In today’s conversation, he digs into how his mother’s example of servant-love shaped his faith, life and ministry — and why, at only 25, he decided not to write a book until he was 50. Read on as he unpacks how to know if you’re in the will of God and the AI tools that are revolutionizing his writing career.
The following is a transcript of a live interview. Responses have been edited and condensed for brevity and clarity.
QUESTION #1: ACQUAINT
Food is always about more than food; it’s also about home and people and love. So how does a go-to meal at your favorite hometown restaurant reveal the true you behind your web bio?
I have two adult sons who are married with children. Our daughter lives in Paris, France, with her husband, so we don’t get to eat very often with them. But we and our two sons, Jonathan and David, along with their families, attend the same church and then go to Panera afterward. We spend that meal together, and that’s kind of a family tradition. We get out of church at 10:15 or 10:20, and Panera is one of the few places that’s open on Sunday morning at that time, so it has become a functional logistics issue. You eat where you can.
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QUESTION #2: REVEAL
What “nonspiritual” activity have you found to be quite spiritual, after all? What quirky proclivity, out-of-the-way interest or unexpected pursuit refreshes your soul?
I think exercise would be my go-to thing. Years ago, I took an interests test that said I should be a YMCA secretary. Thinking I would have to sit at a desk, I said, “I don’t type,” but they clarified that a secretary means director of the YMCA. I thought that was intriguing.
Swimming has been my go-to thing. It really relaxes me. I tell people that exercise is important to take the edge off the many concerns that burden us. For that reason, I love to take a steam sauna, too. That’s been part of my tradition. It cultivates a restfulness that energizes me.
My love of exercise probably came from my mother, who taught acrobatics, tap dancing, ballet and swimming. The acrobatics involved a long rubber mat where kids did somersaults, bend-overs, back-overs and all different kinds of moves. I grew up in that environment, falling asleep on the floor as a young kid. I didn’t know anything different — that’s just how I grew up.
Some of the children she taught had Down syndrome, and that was pretty precious and powerful. I remember one of them losing their balance. They were going backward across the studio, and since they couldn’t stop themselves, they crashed into the corner where the old-time record player was playing music. I remember that thing being knocked on the floor.
That scene always reminded me that Mom cared deeply about her pupils and that people loved her. She would even have a recital of 300 students on mats in a gymnasium at the local high school. She’d begin every recital by going down to every child, and even though there were no names on the mats, she would announce the first and last name of every child at the beginning of every presentation. The audience of 500 or 600 people was stunned.
I used to say to my mom, “How do you remember everybody’s name?” She said, “Well, there’s a secret to it — they tell me their names. Now, if they didn’t tell me their name, I wouldn’t remember it.”
That was my mother, a servant and lover of physical activity. Dad was more distant. He wasn’t violent with me, but he had rage issues. They divorced when I was 1 year old. Then they remarried each other a year later, but then separated for five years. When I spoke at Liberty University in front of 12,000 students, I shared that I was the wounded healer and went through that story.
Like Mom, Dad was a servant. He would fix meals. But Mom was the one who enjoyed people and double humor. She would humor the kids, but she had double meanings that made the people watching her laugh hysterically. She was entertaining, and people loved it.
I used to tell her, “Mom, raise the prices. You could charge twice or three times as much.” She said, “No, I’m not interested.” She was interesting — very interesting.
QUESTION #3: CONFESS
Every superhero has a weakness; every human, too. We’re just good at faking it. But who are we kidding? We’re all broken and in this thing together. So what’s your kryptonite, and how do you confront its power?
This is a topic that I’ve addressed with a lot of pastors. I pastored for nearly 20 years, and I’m concerned that individuals have an Achilles’ heel that they’re not being honest with themselves or other people about. I’m talking about a moral collapse. Often, this revolves around money, power or sex. Typically, with pastors, it’s sex. Individuals have to be very aware of their own vulnerabilities and temptations in that area.
When I was in my mid-20s, I learned of so many pastors who were morally collapsing. I thought, What makes me think I’m so different? Solomon himself was the wisest of all men, but he had seeds of destruction from the get-go. If the wisest man wasn’t smart enough to figure this out, I’m not going to be presumptuous. So when I was 25, I decided I wasn’t going to write anything until I was 50. I said to people and myself that Jesus Christ doesn’t need me, so I waited until I was 50.
“Love and Respect” didn’t come out until that time period, and of course, it exploded. I say to young guys, “The Lord can do in a second what might take you 20 years to do. As a young person constantly on the road, you can fall into committing adultery — and you desecrate not only yourself and your family, but you desecrate the name of Christ.”
One of my life messages as well is that we need to be honest with ourselves, not “get out in front of this.” Just wait on God; you’re not needed. First things first.
QUESTION #4: FIRE UP
Tell us about your toil. How are you investing your professional time right now? What’s your current obsession? And why should it be ours?
It’s been said that athletes and hard scientists in the laboratory peak before they’re 35 years of age, but philosophers and theologians peak later in life. And some have said that the decade of 50 to 60 is the most productive time for most males. The second most productive is 70 to 80, and the third most productive is 60 to 70. As a pastor, counselor and writer, I’m actually now in some of my best years, and I’m more excited than ever. I just signed a three-book contract with HarperCollins, and I couldn’t be more elated. I get so excited when I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I can’t go back to sleep because I’m so excited about what it is I want to say. So I don’t fight that anymore. I get up, work and then take a power nap later on. That would be my obsession. I would do this even if I wasn’t getting paid to do it.
The first book of my three-book contract is “Lightbulb Moments in Marriage,” which comes out Jan. 27, 2026. It touches on the various lightbulb moments people have experienced in our conferences and through my other writings. Often, these people email me to tell me about their lightbulb moments, so we’ve shared those testimonies in the book. We used to call it a paradigm shift, but it can happen in seconds. We’ve all had those experiences. It really does transform not only how one thinks, but also how one acts and interprets the people around them.
The next book is based on 1 Corinthians 7 and what I call the win-win marriage. We refer to 1 Corinthians 13 as the love chapter, but it has absolutely nothing to do with marriage — it’s about spiritual gifts. Paul addressed marriage in 1 Corinthians 7, and this book is about what the apostle said there. I’m thrilled about that because people don’t know how to find win-win. One couple said, “All we do is fight until one of us gives in,” and others were shaking their heads yes, so I did a lot of focus groups on this idea. I was intrigued by the extent to which people don’t have the skill or knowledge to find a win-win.
The third book is about marital tune-ups. This is especially appealing to men. If you say to a group of men, “Do you want a marital tuneup or a marital overhaul?”, not one man will say, “I want a marital overhaul.” The woman does, though. If you ask women and men to rate their marriages on a 1-to-10 scale, the husband will say it’s a 7 or 8, and the wife will say 5 or 6. This is because her disappointments tend to be emotionally higher, although that’s a generalized point. She sees the need to do more serious work, but that can also push a man away. In the book, I unpack how to do that dance together — not dismissing her concerns while also defining his. This is something we do in our ministry, too. We coach men and women on how to achieve that marital tune-up, which really can accomplish what most might think is needed overall.
QUESTION #5: BOOST
Whether we’re cashiers or CEOs, contractors or customer service reps, we all need God’s love flowing into us and back out into the world. How does the Holy Spirit invigorate your work? And how do you know it’s God when it happens?
I think there’s a subjective component there that all of us struggle with. Is this the Lord or just my own imagination? I wrote a book called “The 4 Wills of God.” There are four passages in the New Testament that identify the will of God. Those four wills in that book by that title unpack this idea, and I refer to it as (1) actively trusting Christ as best we can and abiding in him, (2) walking in moral purity, (3) giving thanks in everything and (4) submitting and doing what is right, even when we could get away with doing wrong and never get caught. All of those are rooted in Scripture.
But apart from getting into that exposition, I tell people that it’s not so much about helping me find some unique personal will. I remind myself that if I am seeking to actively trust Christ, walk in moral purity, give thanks in everything, submit and do what is right when I could get away with doing what is wrong, then I know I’m pleasing him. And in pleasing him, there’s pleasure.
At the end of the day, that’s where I default because I don’t always know whether something is the Lord or not. I do know this: when I respond to the universal will of God, his unique will will emerge. Many people put those in reverse. Jesus prayed, “Not my will be done, Lord, but your will be done.” But too often, we pray, “Not your will be done, Lord, but my will be done.”
How do you sense that his unique will emerges when you’re operating in all four of those general areas?
A verse comes to mind that talks about signs, wonders and miracles: “Never since the world began has it been heard that anyone opened the eyes of a man born blind” (John 9:32, ESV). So we know that kind of healing is supernatural, and it’s documented. I had a woman who was healed in my church on a Sunday morning, and she had a pre-assessment of X-rays and the post-assessment of X-rays that showed that the cancer was there and then was gone. The doctors who performed those X-rays were also in my church and confirmed the fact. This woman’s healing must have been God’s will because she was, in fact, healed. There isn’t any question about that.
Then there are the signs. You see Jesus telling the disciples — and Peter, in particular — to throw their nets over the other side of the boat. And, of course, they receive a huge catch after having fished all night and catching nothing. You could technically say this was a coincidence, but it was a sign — Peter knew it, and the fishermen knew it. I think most of us live in that area of trying to discern the sign, and sometimes, we misinterpret it. Agabus put a belt around himself and told Paul, “If you go to Jerusalem, you’re going to suffer, so don’t go” (see Acts 21:10-12). That’s the way he interpreted his vision. But Paul said he was prepared to suffer and die for Jesus Christ. In other words, Agabus was right in what he saw from God, but he misinterpreted the sign.
In my book, I discuss how to discern what’s going on around us — because it’s important. Of course, there’s a subjective element to all this, so we always have to be guarded. For instance, if I say, “I believe it’s God’s will that I move to San Francisco,” and then I move to San Francisco and come back home a year later, did God change his mind?
At the end of the day, what matters most is that I’m enjoying Jesus Christ, that he’s abiding in me and I’m abiding in him. That’s how we bear much fruit. I am going to enjoy his presence, practicing the presence with Christ as best as I know how, keeping my conscience clear by walking in moral purity and by giving thanks, even when I don’t want to give thanks. For example, when my wife had breast cancer and we thought she was going to die, we just gave thanks. We offer a sacrifice of praise no matter what’s in front of us, and we submit to do what’s right. Even if I could get away with doing what’s wrong, I’m not going to do it because I know the Lord is watching me.
I want God to guide me. I want him to open doors and close them accordingly. But I can sit back on those four wills and find great pleasure in pleasing him and entrusting these things to him.
QUESTION #6: inspire
Scripture and tradition beckon us into the rich and varied habits that open our hearts to the presence of God. So let us in. Which spiritual practice is working best for you in this season?
My wife, Sarah, is a person who gives thanks. She praises the Lord, and that’s how she coaches our kids. “Let’s give thanks,” she says. “Let’s offer a sacrifice of praise.” This is reflected in 1 Thessalonians 5:18, which says, “Give thanks for everything, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.” I think the genuine giving of thanks, particularly when we’re frustrated and things are not turning out well, we enter into that discipline because it’s a call. It’s a command. We’re in the center of his will.
Sometimes I’ll say to people, “I don’t know what the outcome is going to be for this particular issue, but if you start giving thanks from your heart right now, you are in the center of God’s will, and you’re bringing him pleasure. Let’s trust him to unpack the direction you need to go.” Sometimes, this is easier said than done. For instance, if a person’s 5-year-old daughter is run over, we’re not going to have an answer for that. But we can still trust Christ that he’s working all things together for good and that he will lift and carry that immeasurable burden.
QUESTION #7: FOCUS
Looking backward, considering the full sweep of your unique faith journey and all you encountered along the way, what top three resources stand out to you? What changed reality and changed your heart?
Reading Christian missionary biographies as a new believer deeply affected me. One of the most impactful was George Müller’s “A Narrative of Some of the Lord’s Dealings with George Müller.” That, more than any other book, captured my heart and influenced my thinking. So historically, that would be perhaps the individual whose writings influenced me most.
In more recent days, we’re all being affected by the video series “The Chosen.” Obviously, they’re trying to fill in the blanks of what happened over that three-year period of Jesus’ ministry on earth, so there’s editorial license there, but I don’t think too many of us would differ with how it’s being portrayed. It’s been such a delight to imagine with the writers of this, to worship through that series and to see them try to address those issues that put believers in a state of ambivalence and questioning. That’s been a joy for me.
Recently, I’ve come to appreciate blues music, including worship and Gospel songs in blues. I don’t know if artificial intelligence is creating some of this, but it has been personally refreshing. Now, Sarah doesn’t like the blues, and even though both my sons like folk and country, they don’t like the blues, either. I have no idea how I created this appetite, not necessarily for secular blues but worship in blues — it’s taken my heart, and I enjoy it. It brings a smile.
Certain things can be godsends, helping us survive, even thrive, in our fast-paced world. Does technology ever help you this way? Has an app ever boosted your spiritual growth? If so, how?
Our phones are now appendages to our bodies, and there’s a challenge we all experience in that, but there are also so many wonderful resources. One is Dwell. It’s a Scripture each day, and that’s been really refreshing to me. I enjoy having that quiet moment, listening to the Word read by an Englishman. I love his voice. So that’s been powerful.
From a technological standpoint, AI has helped me with my writing. I’ve received over 400,000 emails over the years. I used to do word searches on the regular email apparatuses and devices, and it took forever. When AI came out, someone created four different chatbots for my emails — one for my email; one for all my documents, including my books; one for all my Google documents; and a general Emerson Eggerichs chatbot. That way, I can access all of my resources, but it’s restricted so it doesn’t spill over outside of my private domain, as is the case with many businesses. That tool has enabled me to find the testimonies for my book “Lightbulb Moments in Marriage.” Instead of searching for the word “bitter” and having to read through 200 emails looking at the context, the chatbot now intuitively knows what I’m looking for and knows my voice.
We know the downside of artificial intelligence, but right now, I’m benefiting from it because it is my assistant at this junction. It is a new day for me as a content individual. We’re in a revolution. This is greater than the discovery of the wheel, fire, and everything else combined. We don’t know where it’s going to head, but I’m rejoicing in what it’s doing for me right now in serving other people.
QUESTION #8: dream
God’s continually stirring new things in each of us. So give us the scoop! What’s beginning to stir in you but not yet fully awakened? What can we expect from you in the future?
As one gets older, the runway gets shorter. You can’t help but notice it when your friends are dying, and you’re doing the funerals. For example, one of my best friends, B.J. Weber, the former chaplain of the Yankees, died a couple of years back. He and I had been buddies since the 1970s. Everybody knows they’re going to die, but there is a human tendency — and understandably so — to suppress that because you can’t put your head around it.
When I was in my 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and even 60s, I wasn’t thinking about dying, but that changed as I got older. That said, I’m not assuming I’m going to die soon. My editor, Fritz Ridenour, is 94, and he’s as sharp as a tack. My neighbor lived to be 105, so I’m looking for a long stretch yet. But then again, my dad died at my age, so I know it could happen at any time.
Sarah and I pray routinely, “Lord, enable us to die well, to die faithful.” Our desire is to have sound minds. Many of our friends are moving into dementia and Alzheimer’s; it’s a real, debilitating problem. Fortunately, there are things you can do to stay healthy. I came across a medical doctor who’s been talking about the fact that when people turn 75, they tend to fall off the cliff over the next 10 years. One of the reasons this happens is a lack of purpose. I’ve got more purpose now than ever, but some people get bored. They don’t have a purpose. It’s like you just quit living.
I remember meeting privately with a woman who was bedridden in her retirement center. She was clearly burdened and distraught, so I asked what was in her heart. She said, “Pastor, is it wrong for me to want to die?” I said to her, “No, not at all. To be in glory? To be out of this bed? We’re not talking suicide here, but no, there’s nothing wrong with your anticipation of glory and that longing to be with Jesus Christ.” I tried to encourage her and prayed with her before I left. I got word that she was dead a few hours later. I don’t know how to interpret what happened to her other than to tell the story. Just to point out that without purpose, you really don’t have a long time to live.
I say to people, “You’re not retired to go play golf.” Sarah often says, “As long as you have a pulse, you have a purpose.” All that to say, we’re looking at our own end now — and praying we finish well.
As Dr. Eggerichs pointed out, it’s normal to start thinking about death in your 70s and 80s. But truth be told, we don’t have to wait that long to consider how we want to finish this life for Jesus.
The apostle Paul said, “But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God” (Acts 20:24, ESV).
Paul’s purpose to the very end was to glorify Jesus and fulfill his calling. Whatever this looks like for each of us, may we have the same heart attitude.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is an internationally known public speaker on the topic of marriage, parenting, communication and more. Based on over three decades of counseling as well as scientific and biblical research, Dr. Eggerichs developed the Love and Respect Marriage Conference, which he presents around the country. Dr. Eggerichs has written several books, including Love and Respect, a New York Times bestseller and Platinum and Book of the Year Award winner that has sold over 1.6 million copies. Emerson and his wife, Sarah, reside in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and have three grown children. He is the founder and president of Love and Respect Ministries.